Late night thoughts. . .

Was Socratism and the movements it inspired attempts to escape declining health by propelling humanity faster towards sickness - much like how a ship escapes a whirlpool by speeding along the current to shoot outwards? 

Nov. 18

There are times while here at Allegheny College when I am struck by unmeasurable despair. I suppose there is nothing terribly surprised about the feelings that I am having today - they are not unique or different from something I've experienced before. I suppose that going through life and situations before makes the lesson learned and the experience gone.
I hope some days that my love could leave my body like the rain leaves the desert sands
That just as quickly it kisses the red sandstones where wildflowers spring from the soil to quickly wilt away it flows away to the next town.
Some days I wish to be nothing more than a waif.
Because then perhaps I would not be ridiculed for being shy, or quiet, or reserved - but rather felt like a breeze without taking anything with me that wasn't my own.
Just let me be alone in myself and free from the chains that bind, that hold, that cut into my heart and soul. 

私 は 大学生 で 米国 です.

Occasionally it becomes a struggle to keep oneself on the upside. It is not because anything in particular, but instead because of the nature of the day.
Some moments in the world's history are not always the brightest. 

I see you secret grotto

Hiding    -      between the Mighty Oaks

and flexible reeds

lost within yourself

like human confidence, a simple sigh

Secret Grotto

the Wind plays your song

then caresses my cheek – invitingly.

Calling me in.

And a flicker of movement betrays your silence

-

my skin, Hot and glistening from sweat, trembles

from fear,

from passion,

from want.

-

soft, sweet, silken secrets wait within

caught in the neck

tirelessly walking within

A leaf tickles my face

And      slowly slides down the rest of my body

Nerve Explosions

As clear eyes gaze through mine.

Books, books, and more books. The life of a student is to live many lives within the pages of many books and then to go on and write new worlds for others. 

A letter to friends struggling with love lost

This is a work in progress, so please forgive me, but I feel that it can perhaps benefit others and in turn be benefited by others' criticism.

I am no expert on the subject of love.  I have been in love, but never have I had the small blessing of being enveloped within it. I suppose that this small fact invalidates anything I could say on the subject of the dynamics in a relationship so I’m going to ignore that completely.

But I would like to think that I have plenty of experience on the thorns of this life’s sweetest flower. I have had the great joy of laying in the briar patch that bears the soul raw to life’s cold fingers. And while pain is such a unique experience to each person, I would like to think that the world only has so much creativity in devising tortures for the heart.

I am writing here for a plethora of reasons, chief amongst them the pain that aches the heart of so many of you and a belief of coming storms. I would love to tell you that the pained quivering of the heart lessens quickly. I would love to tell you that everything happens in the way you want it to. But nothing in my life tells me that any of those statements are true. Life is nothing wholly pleasant, nor is it anything dreadful and drawn. Instead life is a myriad of feelings. Feelings that can well up like the sea on thin isles or leave you barren as the windswept mountaintops. Would you take the knife from another’s wound only to watch them bleed and waste away? Would you have only happiness and live a life hollow and without personal zest? Because it is the pain that I have seen and experienced in my life that has carved my heart deep and my soul wide. And it is that heart that holds golden hued honey to soothe your wounds and cool water to cool your brow. And while it very often overflows from my eyes and occasionally tempers the fiery passions of the soul it too washes away the dust of others transgressions. Because we are human we have emotions, we have desires and we have to capacity to love deeply. A capacity that brings us to hurt quickly, to lie, to cheat, and shatter each other with such veracity and vapidity that shakes nations apart and threatens to extinguish the great souls in this world.  But no one that I have met during my time on earth has ever expressed such an inane appreciation of the tempering of joy, the malnourishment of love, or the extinguishment of the fires of the soul.

People are ruled by emotions and we can never expect ourselves or others to act rationally in any situation where the heart can be a player because just as no tea leaf unfurls the same as it sinks in the cup no human reacts exactly the one before. It takes a soul experienced with great sorrow or enlightened sagacious spirits to determine the paths people are walking, and they too may over or underestimate the time it will take for truths to ripen to fruition. Fear is a powerful master and one that many are too familiar with for their own good. For it is the only virus that doesn’t die with its host and one of the few that shows no symptoms as one walks living double lives. And for the most part, there is nothing that we can do about it. There is no antidote we can offer but to make a world a better place or to wait for them to grow in courage. We are but the captains of our own vessels.

A wise child once stated that, “we live an unnaturally long life” after watching a butterfly grow from an egg to an adult and then die in the space of a year. And it is in this life that we are fortunate enough to meet others blessed with such unnaturalness. But like us, they are independent actors in this play. Their entrances and exits may be staged, but as for our interactions – they are solely our own. And from each other we hopefully learn lessons on life and about ourselves. And some are gifted enough to inspire great change within ourselves and imprint themselves forever upon our ribs. But sometimes there are those who come into our life to teach us lessons on love. A subject as veracious as its element.  Because as fire can light stained glass set within cold stones, so can love. But like love, fire can ignite recklessly, consume everything, and lay the world bare. But how it happens is not only dependent upon the fire, but also upon the lantern.... 

Trying to keep up a blog is so hard

I suppose not as hard as other things in life, and it really is a problematic statement when articles of privilege are taken into account, but for me I wish I could be much more productive in keeping a running blog of my thought. However I do suppose that since not a single soul bothers to read this blog I can be content with my sporadic posting schedule.

Thoughts on a snowy evening..

Often it is difficult to live with other people. Boy do I know that it must be impossible to live with me. But at least I have the common courtesy not to interrupt my roommate's nap - instead I just leave the room and leave him to his own privacy. I suppose it is a cultural thing - a hispanic tendency to be polite and leave people to their own peace. Because he does not seem to share the same values. Instead he just insists on sitting on the room and rustling with every thing he possibly owns... And I know that it must be difficult for him to live with a roommate with awful allergies, but frankly I try to cough as quietly as possible and just keep myself quite.. Whatever... There has never been a time where I've just wanted complete isolation from other people - namely him.

Springfest

So today is Springfest here at Allegheny College - a whole day where people attempt to get as drunk, high and drugged up as they possibly can. And here I am settled into a nest at the top of the library watching people stumble by at 3:20pm. It is a bit sad to think that these are representatives of our future. But then again the vast majority of them are responsible enough not to hurt themselves and others. Last night was my second night out of my room to allow my roommate to have his boyfriend over. I always wonder if my feelings towards allowing such things is because of how I feel about the relationship or due to my own mixed feelings on my singleness. But I guess I cannot blame others for my own misfortune and unattractiveness. But I am who I am and I will not change for any person. If gay guys don't like a strong willed, political and feminist boyfriend then it sucks for them because I will not sacrifice my core values for another's convenience. And I guess that scares a lot of guys of - since I force them to think about issues that they otherwise couldn't care less about. But I don't want a guy afraid of confrontation, a challenge, a struggle... I want one that will stand up for what he believes in, who will stand besides me in life as a true partner.
But I guess those guys only exist in fairytales... Alas I wish I lived in that fairytale.

Remembering the messages...

So yesterday my school went on lock-down because an individual ran away from the cops who wished to serve him a warrant. I could really think nothing of it - he is entitled to his freedom as long as he doesn't kill anyone. But it sent the school into a panic. And it was then that I realized how true it was that people have been taught so well not to care about others. All of my peers just concerned themselves with their own safety (which I presume is the logical idea) and disregarded the all the possibilities. I was shocked by what I heard coming from people's mouths during this time - from people overreacting to people being willing to sacrifice others for their own safety. My Facebook page was filled with people freaking out over nothing and adding their own little anecdotes to the main event.
And I will admit that I was a little taken aback by the event, but not really concerned with my own safety as I can take care of myself. But rather I was heavily concerned with the well-being of my friends and classmates stuck in other buildings and possibly in harms way.
Now it is the next day and so far everyone is fine. The day has gone by normally and all there that has happened is an increase in gossip and an unsavory taste left in my mouth by the actions of my peers.
-Ehahlil.

Re-birth!

Starting to reblog again!
Not much to really say except I moving this blog to a more personal level while still keeping it public. I think it will become a constructive way to vent without having to worry about what people I may or may not be writing about feel.